Girls have to find a job before they get married. There are many reasons to insist so. More than a livelihood, a job would help them understand themselves and society better. That is how you form a point of view about life.
Recently I had to attend a seminar organised by a college. I explained the importance of girls finding employment before marriage. After the function got over, a girl came to see me. She was on the verge of tears. She said her parents were forcing her to get married. Her teachers testified that she was the best student on the campus. I do not understand the haste with which parents try to marry off such a smart girl. What makes the parents proud? Seeing their daughter excel in life or blowing out her talents and force her into a family life without her consent?
I advised her to approach the Women’s Commission.
A large section of girls lack any experience in life. They rely on the limited information supplied by classmates and contemporaries to build a life. The erroneous and incomplete notions may not become a reality. Then she would protest the others around her, including the husband. If that does not help her, she would be pushed into despair. A life that was supposed to spread life would be snuffed out.
Parents are to blame for the immature behaviour of girls. They have to speak to their daughters about their own experience, the things going around them and the rights and wrongs in all of those. Formal education cannot equip them for everything. Many parents boast about how they spend a fortune on their children’s education and buy them whatever they want. That is not a sign of good parenting.
When you buy everything they want, children start asking for more. They may not get all they want in all stages of life. If children are not aware of how their needs were met by their parents and the efforts that have gone into it, they would seek other avenues to fulfil their wants. Parents have to guide the children through the world as friends.
The daughter of a famed doctor was married to a man who grew up with seven siblings. Problems started when the husband used her soap and towel. The tension could have been diffused by the husband. He, however, defended his position, saying he always shared such items with his siblings. It ended up in a divorce.
Mothers have to take extra care while getting involved in their children’s married life. On the day of her wedding, the daughter of a top police officer was asked by her mother-in-law about her gold collection. She asked the bride if that was all she got. She said she did not demand anything specifically because the bride is the daughter of a top officer.
The irritant led to unfortunate developments including a divorce. Who stands to gain here?
The root of all problems are the parents who fix a price for their sons and demand the parents of the girls to pay up. Parents who transfer their contributions to their daughter in the name of her husband are also to blame. If the groom’s family bargains hard to strike an alliance, tell them on their face that whatever you give will be in your daughter’s name. The girl should also speak out before an alliance is formed.
If a man is not able to look after his wife, then he should not get married. Men are not really men when they are only looking at the money and gold their brides bring in. They prove themselves to be cowards when they abuse their wives and in-laws for dowry. There is nothing manly in such behaviour.
(The writer is former chairperson of the Kerala Women’s Commission)
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