Are you pulling teeth trying to raise your Indian teen in the US? If so, you are not alone.
Indian teens in the US navigate constantly between two cultures, one with Indian values and the other, a culture that promotes Western values of individualism, the pursuit of liberty and happiness.
I recently had a frank conversation with a few Indian teens living in the US to learn more about their thoughts on this topic.
"Most Indian parents are controlling, uninformed and overprotective," they unanimously said.
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I delved further to find out why old style Indian parenting simply does not work in a fast changing Western culture. And then, the hard truth emerged. Anxious Indian parents start controlling young children from their first dance at junior high all the way to prom and beyond.
So much so that early this year, the Consulate General of India in San Francisco issued an advisory asking Indian nationals and Persons of Indian Origin (PIO) "to be mindful of the US laws, including those relating to treatment of young children."
"There have been cases brought to the attention of the Consulate General of India, San Francisco from time to time when children of Indian nationals have been taken into the custody of US authorities (Children/Social Service) on reported grounds of negligence/maltreatment of those children by parent(s). All Indian nationals and PIOs living in the jurisdiction of this Consulate are advised to be mindful of the US laws and local State laws, on Child rights," the advisory added.
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Child rights? Yes, the young child will soon turn 18 and legally you won’t be able to do anything much. You will not be able to yell, roll your eyes and the chapatti roller will become useless.
So, here are some tips that may work:
1. Communicate: Talk to your teen, find out things beyond math, science and robotics. Ask her about friends, hobbies and life in general and not just about grades. Remember, your teen will not be graded on just her test scores in the US. As a parent, you will need to nurture her and build a confident personality so that she can succeed here.
2. Believe: Take her out, go have coffee, understand her needs and be empathetic. Believe in her and build trust.
3. Stop yelling: Indian parents are experts at this. The teen mind is still evolving and will not process stuff the way you want it. Your yelling will make them rebel and slowly they will start drifting away from you until you will find one day that you have lost them to a bad and dangerous world. Teens will make mistakes and they will learn from them.
4. Dating: Yes, they will date even if you try to hide them in your garage. For good or bad, dating is part of Western culture. Build trust and she will tell you all about it. If not, she will rebel and you will see her hanging around with too many dates.
5. Be informed: Instead of staying closeted with your Indian friends, understand the larger culture around you. Volunteer at her school or at her sports activities and talk openly with other parents, especially Americans. Understand Western values of independence, the ability to make decisions and the consequences that come out of bad decisions.
6. Tattoos, piercing and all that you cannot fathom: Yes, they will happen and you will not be able to take a decision after 18, anyway. So, talk to her as an adult and let her know your views and then shut up.
7. Late night parties: Expect this and more! However, if they are staying with you and are living on your dime, you can set up curfew hours. Returning at midnight is the norm.
8. Drugs, drinking and all that you fear: Have an open and frank conversation on these subjects and this will help your teen make sense of what is right and what is wrong. Learn more about who their friends are. Never allow them to drive after a party. Either offer to pick them up or ask them to call Uber.
9. The dreaded prom night: Yes, it is a fact of transitioning into adult hood and of gaining independence. They will wear a dress, possibly find a date and dance. As teens say: "Get over it."
10. Get counseling: If you think that your teen’s grades are suffering and she is drifting more and more from you, seek counseling. Find a multicultural counselor who can have a frank conversation with her and help her out. Health care providers encourage mental health counseling and most insurers cover the costs. A trained counselor will be able to sit down with you and your teen and resolve things earlier before things go out of hand.
11. Finally, let go: I have a teen and these days I only ask her four questions when she asks to go out with friends:
1. Where are you going? 2. With whom? 3. When will you return? 4. Do you need a ride? Anything else is irrelevant.
Having read this, do you think you need to pack your bags, take your child and get back to India on the next flight? Just think about it. India is not sacrosanct, either.
There is no middle path, so embrace both cultures, don’t freak out and just enjoy your life as much as your teen is enjoying hers! What do you think?
(Sarat Pratapchandran is a US-based writer whose career spans content management, philanthropy and corporate social responsibility. A master’s in mass communication from the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University and Kerala University, he now works as a fund raiser for a major US-based health sciences university)