Matchmaking is always harder than it seems; couple it with the struggle of 'finding the one' for a gay son – Padma Iyer was bothered. But she chose to take it in her stride.
Padma approached a popular national daily to publish a matrimonial advertisement for her gay son, Harish Iyer, who is a Mumbai-based equal rights activist. The daily turned her down citing legal tangles.
Harish took it up as an activism and contacted several newspapers to publish the advert with certain details highlighted. All but one rejected the ad.
When Onmanorama contacted Harish, he said in the most honest manner possible, "I am as gay as other gay people." But whether he knows it or not, he has already set the ball rolling for an issue that has been debated for a very long time.
A familiar face in media circles, Harish hails from a traditional Iyer family and is well-known for his campaigns for the rights of homosexuals, women, children and animals.
Harish discovered that he was a homosexual when was 14 years old. “At the age of 7, while I was watching Tarzan and Jane, I realised that I was more interested in Tarzan and did not seem as interested in Jane. That was when I knew that something about me was different. I was not aware about the aspects like homosexuality. By the time I had turned 14 years old, I knew that I was gay,” he said.
In his early twenties, he came out to his mother. Padma was appalled by his confession and began formulating different theories for her son's sexual preference. She even considered it as a result of child abuse as well.
It was not long before Padma decided to research on the topic of homosexuality. She soon realised that homosexuality was not a disease and is existent in over 450 different types of species of animals. Padma, ever since, has been his pillar of support.
Now, Harish is a rather popular figure in the world of social activism. However, like every mother, Padma too was concerned about her son's future.
“I am 36 years old. I have been single for a long time. It was, thus, natural for my mother to feel worried about how I would pull through those days that are yet to come. My mother did not want me to be alone and she wanted to someone who would be there for me. So she decided to proceed with the task of finding a partner for me,” Harish elaborated.
Initially, Padma wanted Harish to find a female partner. “I told my mother that if she wanted me to marry a woman I would do so because I love her. I can make a woman pregnant as well. But then I had to tell her that the marriage would be a loveless marriage. I asked my mother – If she had a daughter, would she get her married off to a gay man? Upon hearing all that I had to say, my mother hugged me and was happy to know that I had thought about these aspects. She was happy that I knew what a woman would feel if they were to be part of a loveless marriage,” said Harish.
Padma, who has been raised in a traditional manner, was aware of the procedures involved in arranged marriages. She soon prepared a matrimonial advertisement that was meant to be published in a national daily.
But why would he go the traditional way to find a partner? “Well, the ideal example in this case would be Madhuri Dixit. She is popular and had many people in line. But even she decided to settle for an arranged marriage.
“Personally, I am not a huge fan of arranged marriages. But this seems more like date fixing. My mother would find someone who might be suitable for me. But, in the end, I would consider taking the relationship forward only if I like the person,” said Harish.
Padma has played a crucial role in Harish's life. He said that she had inculcated several values in him that has enabled him to discriminate equally.
Although the matrimonial advertisement does mention 'Iyer preferred,' Harish explains that the condition was made only with the view of ensuring that the families get along.
But in the long run, he and his mother are not concerned about caste or creed. “I would, however, appreciate it if my partner is a vegetarian and an animal lover. It does not matter if the person is a Brahmin or a non-Brahmin,” he explains.
When asked about his marriage ad, he said, “I decided to take it upon myself to get the advertisement published in national dailies to see how many support such initiatives. You tend to get into the 'activism-mode' only when you face denial.
Gay marriages in India are not illegal but they do not have a legal standing as well. Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code criminalises sexual activity that is against the order of nature (i.e. sexual activities that can lead to procreation of species).
“We are aware of how many heterosexual men behave after marriage as well,” he said. The Mumbai-based activist pointed out that a lot is yet to be done for the LGBT community to be granted basic rights. He said that those who have the power to do so should keep pushing the envelope.
“Through this act of mine, I have been able to push the envelope only by a few inches. We need to do so more often,” he concluded.